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i was thinking of you a couple of days afterwards len. wondeirng how it went for ya. it'l be a breeze chick. we want after photos too in a few months when it all irons out. hehe.

awww annie that's perfect timing howd ya know i needed that? thank you beautiful

*****

so lacking in motivation lately. i've decided to hit myself over the head with a car axle and get it going. there's still time. about to pick up max. haven't had a shower yet goign to be late but that's to be expected so nothing new there.

dog got clipped yesterday she looks sorta cute. all that fluffy knotty fur is gone. and also my guilt about not brushing her. apparently she needs to be done every 4 - 6 weeks. this lady is really nice so i'll def go back there. she's had 26 years exp and she's very kind. charlie didn't snarl or anything. the last place cut her and the man was really rough and horrid. when i took her back to him she FREAKED out and wouldn't let me get her out of the car. like she KNEW what was going to happen. and then when i saw him with her, i knew that he'd been rough with her. so had to find a new place. then there was the lady who pathologically talked about her technicques. i mean, seriously. once you've heard the story once, it's like enough already? but no, had to hear it in the morning (twice) when i dropped her off, in the afternoon (at least 2 drawwwwwwwwwwwn out times) when i picked her up.i was like holy f*ck, lady palease i'm not in a stupor ok? i'm hearin ya. sheesh.

i have issues with people who are really slowwwwwwwwwwwww boring sticklers for one topic only and who won't let you in and who talk over the top of you...... [enter borink old f*rt father - get over it molly] and anyway who cares, what am i going to do today with max? he's done science centre, ipswich superbowl, sandgate, fishing (thank the LORD) um, did the obligatory mother visit (thank the LORD) um, feel like doing something i want to do (in max's presence) for once . and not feel guilty about it. it's always him him him. but then i seem to want it that way bec i don't want him to feel bad, like he's missing out like i did constantly. but then *i* miss out so many times by giving into his childish demands for my full "obedience" .

and he has to learn that my time doesn't revolve around him. he seems to expect it and tantrums rather too easily when mummy is molly and not mummy. and i'm wondering if i'm teaching him to not really appreciate it (my energy/time/me etc)? like if i'm always giving into him in that way, he will keep expecting it forever. he screeches when i suggest we go to something mutually interesting but i force it anyway, bec there are only so many times i can go to the train museum and not fall asleep yanno? i'm a girl, i'm not into trains pfft *folds arms*. sorry max, but really. i know it's all developmentally appropriate for a 5 year old, so it's all on track.

so today... - oh thankfully my iron beeps at me when it's left on too long - it's beeping.

i have decided to make moves to become vego. i am so put off meat and have been for ages.

hello everyone, *waves and smiles* thanks for popping by. nathalia, that sounds so special. i love the place you are at (vibrationally). when i come back later i want to read all about it, hopefully you've wrtten about it in your'e journal. if not, perhaps I will harass you until you do love mollyxox

sports carnival today at max's school. I stayed till just after his race. He was (unfortunately) with all the best runners and didn't do as well as last time but they all get a ribbon which is lovely. little sweetie. i just had a nice hot bath to warm up. it's been so freezing here! Now i'm sleepy. night world.

aww thanks anny did sleep well. max did awesome ((hugs))

*******

drowning in it today.

about to cook the healthiest soup in the world. it's an old recipe my mother got from dad's mother. and it is so yummy. all i feel like eating lately is vegetarian. or nothing. meat literally makes me sick. anyting heavy is making me sick. and sweet things. cant eat anything sweet. even in my coffee/tea.

*scratches head*

i have pmt and my boobs hurt and look like watermelons.

charlie looks so cute she is all clipped now.

got my alpha/beta peel today. getting them instead of micros. bec the micros are too aggressive with little result. should've got my arms waxed but couldn't be bothered.

also bought the second sara book (abe-hicks) and the convo with god book called home with god or something like that. i feel like i want to immerse myself in positive books tonight.

getting a bit spacey like i was a month ago or whenever it was. had this intuitive flash while i was waiting at the beauticians this afternoon. whenever i get like this, it's usually when i've become aware of some crusty mind thing or belief system (its not actually a belief system but i'm too lazy to think of the right word for it), sort of way of perceiving the world (that's off ) that I've been holding onto tightly. this time it's a whoppa. having trouble letting it go bec i don't know what to do without it. that's where the whole 'god-factor' has stepped in. It's male related issues. having trouble living without this coping mech i've had since a small kid. speaking with the grand poo-bar has been a really nurturing experience. i sense him (for me, at this time) as male energy. but that's not to say that i believe god is male. i think that's just how it works best for me at the moment considering the stuff that is coming into my awareness. it makes sense that my experience of god would be male.

having some difficulty 'feeling' god or the presence of god at first. receiving love is a huge massively huge issue, i'm delving into. I take it for granted it isn't available. but he has this thing he does that helps me to feel through my heart mostly rather than crown. although today there was a presence in all my chakra's includign the crown. it was a bit different today.

i have felt so 'reality-f.cked' i was even doubting 'god' and what i was feeling of him. doubts infiltrate my being too often. but lately even more so. that's part of what i'm rising above i guess you could say. quite honestly at times my sense of reality and what is real is quite dubious. third eye and base issues. so top heavy sometimes i nearly fall over. But it's not just that, it's other things. but it's getting there. feel a huge improvement in the last hour and a half. even just going outside and putting my hands in the dirt or a pot plant helps cept where the petunias are. there is an ant colony there!

Finding that the more often i am aware of god's presence through me, the more grounded i become, that's iwthout doing the goddess earth thing through the base. At the moment just sensing an enduring and loving presence of my own that feels like home.

omg.
home with god is EXACTLY what i need to read right now. it's perfect.

it is, alex, it's amazing. speaking right to me atm.

i was so tired of my same old perfumes. i have loads but haven't had a new one for nearly a year (omg). so i just bought two. agent provoceteur - strip which is very similar to kenzo amour. yummmMY. quite baby powderish with vanilla or something. so sexy. and also YSL - Elle. Since he died, you can't get a good price on ysl. but hey, whatever. I refuse to go anywhere but myers and dj's for my perfume. it makes me feel gross to shop in those cheap perfume connection shops. yuck.

And while i was walking around I saw in my mind the design i want for my b/cards. sort of inspired by the perfume packaging. what else? um... oh for the last week i've been having these massive doubts about doing counselling. Play therapy yes, counselling no. It took this second load of almost depression to ram it into my head. counselling looks BACKWARDS. it can't help but force the client to muddle through and re-activate past blar's and whatever's. in doing that, what happens? invariably their mood goes spiralling down. unless it is a tiny problem that can be sorted in one session. And unless the counsellor ends it with some massive strengths they gained out of whatever they are discussing. But if not, and even despite that precaution, the person could be left with a lot of untangled stuff just sitting there perculating around in their consciousness.

is that good? *scratches head*. in theory (and in the old way of looking at things) yes. Bec you eventually sort through memories and whatevers and get to either re-experience or experience trapped emotion or emotion you've been avoiding in safety and all those things.

But is it really necessary? This is what i'm grappling with right now. Is it really necessary to go back into all that sh*t? And re-activate the trauma and experience those horrendously life-stopping emotions? Catapulting a person back into some primal fetal position in the corner of their bedroom? Knowing that there is not a @*#$ thing they can do about that event now. why re-live it through talking about it?

this afternoon i was in this typical molly 'what is the purpose of all this pain and who can blame' state and i literally FORCED myself to do some eft. before i had my shower. and i wrote down every negative clump of thoughts that were going around in my brain. and i eft'd just quickly those thoughts. And within minutes my mood lifted.

how is that possible?
i wasn't talking to anyone else, i didn't have to pay $100 for an hour of chatting with some person i don't know or trust. I didn't have to drive anywhere. I just did it in my pj's.

and i feel better.

*scratches head*